The Playbook: At Home — Step In, Don’t Hover (Part II)
A look at the invisible work men were never taught to recognize.
After Part I, a reader shared something worth expanding on. Even in homes that feel balanced, much of the planning, remembering, and organizing still sits with women. During menopause, when sleep and concentration are stretched thin, that invisible load hits even harder.
Most men were never shown this side of the household, and once they see it, they tend to step in fast and effectively.
So this Part II goes deeper.
Not just physical support, but mental and operational support. The kind of steady, practical involvement that makes a real difference day to day.
Here’s the updated playbook.
1. The Anti-Hover Rule
When I was first diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of 25, I was living at home with my Mom and Dad. My parents are not helicopter parents, but out of pure love and protection, they began to hover.
Examples:
Is my blood sugar stable?
When did I test my blood sugar last?
Do I need something to eat?
Do I have my insulin?
Did I bring my dextrose (sugar) tablets?
Do I need to sit down?
Hovering creates emotional work. And the same applies to menopause.
Examples:
“Are you okay?” on loop
Standing there watching her struggle
Waiting for instructions
Doing half a task and looking for praise
Following her around with solutions she didn’t ask for
Hovering feels like care to you. It can feel like added pressure to her.
Try to recognize this behaviour before it’s pointed out to you in a way you may not like.
2. The Pre-Emptive Load
Chores aren’t the issue.
Cognitive load is.
Cognitive load is the invisible work that keeps a household running:
planning, anticipating, organizing, remembering, tracking, scheduling.
In fact, recent studies show mothers handle 71% of all household tasks that require mental effort compared to fathers, who handle 45%. Menopause makes this brutal because sleep fragmentation, brain fog, and stress spikes hit executive function hard. Tasks that used to feel automatic now feel overwhelming.
Your job:
Expand the household capacity before she has to tell you what needs to be done.
That looks like:
Emptying the dishwasher because it’s full
Running errands before the fridge is empty
Taking over the morning routine after a rough night
Doing weekly meal planning and grocery management
Booking appointments
Making more household decisions
If she has to delegate it, you didn’t remove her load. You added to it.
3. The Mental Load (New and Essential)
A reader nailed this point, so let’s make it explicit.
A 2024 study found that mothers who take on a more disproportionate share of cognitive household labor report higher levels of depression, stress, relationship dissatisfaction, and burnout. Even in so-called “equal” households, women still carry most of the mental load:
remembering birthdays
managing schedules
planning meals
tracking kids’ growth, clothes, and activities
knowing what’s in the pantry and fridge
planning holidays
coordinating caregiving
keeping the family calendar functional
remembering to refill prescriptions
organizing the logistics of… everything
This is the real weight.
This is what burns women out.
This is what gets worse during menopause.
You can help by owning categories.
A few examples of category ownership:
You handle everything dentist-related for your kid.
You manage all gifts for your side of the family.
You take responsibility for all travel and housing coverage when you leave town.
You maintain the household calendar (paper or shared digital).
Among couples where mothers earn more than $100,000, higher earnings reduce their physical housework, but have virtually no effect on their level of cognitive household labor (the planning, remembering, and organizing).
Category ownership reduces her cognitive load because she no longer has to track, remember, make decisions, or oversee that entire domain.
This is an actual partnership.
4. Domestic Competence
Homes run on visible tasks and invisible systems.
Men usually grab the tasks.
Women carry the systems.
Similar to category ownership, household systems include:
food inventory, meal planning
household supplies
school schedules
appointments
travel logistics
social commitments
emotional load
family communications
household admin
During menopause, system overload is what breaks women.
Your job is to own at least two systems fully. Not assist. Own.
Examples:
Weekly food planning, shopping, and restocking
Transportation logistics
Travel planning start to finish
Bill payment and admin
Birthday and holiday management
Ownership means she doesn’t have to track anything inside that category.
That’s the point.
5. Protect Sleep
Sleep is the master variable. Readers of this substack know if there is one thing we need to protect at all costs, it’s sleep.
When sleep tanks:
memory drops
stress skyrockets
irritability increases
libido changes
emotional resilience drops
weight regulation becomes harder
Every choice you make at home should be filtered through one question:
Does this protect her sleep or disrupt it?
Protect it by:
taking morning routines when she’s wiped
adjusting the house rhythm at night
doing late-night resets so mornings aren’t chaotic
being flexible about intimacy based on sleep quality
Protect her sleep, and the whole house stabilizes.
6. The Adaptation Mindset
Partners break when men wait for the old version of her to return.
Partners strengthen when men build a new normal with their partner.
Ask yourself daily:
Am I stabilizing the home or adding friction?
Your relationship could depend on the answer.
Men who master both the physical and mental loads build an environment where both partners stay steady during one of the most intense periods of adult life.
Bottom Line
Menopause doesn’t require perfection.
It requires adaptation, ownership, and real participation.
If you operate differently, you’re already ahead.
The payoff is simple: a stronger relationship, a calmer home, and a partner who finally feels supported instead of stretched thin.
Disclaimer:
This publication is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and should not replace consultation with a qualified healthcare professional. Always talk to your doctor before making decisions about diagnosis, treatment, or medication.
Useful Links and Resources
The MATE Study - A 2019 online survey of 450 men showing that 63% say their partner’s menopausal symptoms affected them personally, with many reporting negative impacts on themselves (77%) and their relationships (56%), and that most men felt able to influence how their partner managed those symptoms
Find a Menopause-Trained Clinician
Find a Certified Menopause Practitioner (The Menopause Society Directory) — searchable database by city or postal code (U.S. and Canada).
Women’s Health Collective of Canada — advocacy, research, and access to Canadian menopause resources.
North American Menopause Society Patient Education Center — updated clinical guidance and patient tools.
Tools to Help Track and Support
The Menopause Shoppe Perimenopause Science and Symptoms workbook - This free guide will help you understand hormones, and there are helpful symptom tracker tools. Bring it with you to the doctor’s appointment.
The Menopause Shoppe Menopause Science and Symptoms workbook - Free guide for those in Menopause. Nine easy-to-read chapters and tools that are helpful to bring to a doctor’s appointment.
Balance App — symptom tracking and education developed by Dr. Louise Newson.
Midday App (Mayo Clinic) — evidence-based symptom and lifestyle tracking.
For Men Wanting to Learn More
Reddit: r/WTFisMenopause — growing peer community for WTF Is Menopause readers.
Reddit: r/MenopauseShedForMen — active peer community of men asking questions and sharing resources.
WTF is Menopause Substack Archive — The playbook focused on helping men understand and show up better.
Menopause Chicks — education and community founded by Shirley Weir.
Mental Health and Relationship Support
Psychology Today Therapist Finder — to locate therapists familiar with midlife transitions.
Gottman Institute: Supporting Your Partner’s Health Journey — communication-based strategies for couples.